Unblocked

I’ve admittently had writer’s block recently. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to blog; it is just that I’m not quite sure what you need to hear. Being “out of the game” so to speak makes it a little more challenging to journal. So I reached out and am so appreciative of the response I’ve gotten. I even started to draft on a few of the topics suggested to me, but then it happened…I was unblocked.

Let me start off by saying, for those of you already blessed, two is magic. At least for us, it has been. Since he’s turned two, Mikie has slown down a bit. Everything I used to cram into two hours of nap time I can sometimes tackle while he’s “reading” or playing independently in his toy room. Two also means there’s a lot more activities we can participate in on weekends. Discover the Dinosaurs came to the Convention Center in Hartford, CT last weekend and just happened to be the best experience yet. There was so much for him to do and explore and he was old (tall) enough to enjoy all there was to offer.

I couldn’t have been more impressed with the event…or more unblocked. I was surrounded by pregnant people. Literally every female there was pregnant in some capacity, new little bump to full-fledged this baby might fall out if I have to run after my kid in that Dino-jumpy. No matter where I turned there was another pregnant mom. So much so, that my pregnant sister-in-law who went with us turned to me and said “Literally everyone here is pregnant.”

Literally everyone except me. It’s not that I’m even completely at that point of bump envy. I swear, I’d be the first to admit if I was. I am currently awaiting the arrival of my niece and nephew just months apart and know that will be the “fix” I need. Yet, that’s all I needed to spiral back into the midst of infertility. Just being surrounded by pregnant ladies was enough to make my head start spinning. My mind started racing and analyzing…her first looks so much younger than Mikie…oh my God she’s on her third in the same time I’ve had one…should I already be pregnant?…have I let too much time gone by? The plan in my head started to get the best of me. Where I thought I’d be and where I am are different. And I am wholeheartedly okay with that until I’m physically reminded. Moments like that can bring me back to infertility in an instant. So much of infertility is letting the plan in our head affect our present. For minutes, I let that happen.

Then, I had to reel it back in. Infertility has robbed me of so much. I wasn’t about to let it rob me of living in the moment and enjoying this experience through my son’s eyes. I had to consciously take in what was around me and react differently. Don’t get me wrong-it took looking for other parents of only children and seeing expectant moms of 4+ year olds to remind me it’s all going to work out. But I was able to do it. I was able to rid myself of the anxiety that surrounded me and enjoy the day with my miracle child.

In that moment, I was reminded why infertility never escapes us even when we’ve overcome it. I recognized why secondary infertility must come with so many layers and how sometimes the plan in our head is our own worst enemy. I also realized how strong I am and how far I’ve come. Granted I have my son, but a year ago I started feeling the angst of infertility. My brain started trying to dictate to my life once again, to no avail. This might sound crazy, but instead of going church week after week (or most weeks-church going with a two-year old aint easy) and praying for another miracle baby, I started to dialogue with God differently. Rather than ask for another child, I started to ask that my heart be full with the one I’ve been blessed with. It is not that there aren’t daily reminders of this; it’s moreso that my heart had been unsettled. I’d say that at least the last 8 months or so I have felt that fulfillment-that my heart is at peace . While I would love nothing more than to grow our family, I am grateful for our son and so excited for the anticipated gift of our niece and nephew-which will be the closest thing to me having a newborn if I never get to experience it firsthand again. I’d be lying to you, or more importantly myself, if I said I didn’t still drift into nursery design and christening planning daydreaming. Something in my inner-core tells me it will happen again for us. I am faithful and am positive. Yet, just like last Sunday at the Dinosaur Experience there are times when I am tested. There are times when I feel weak and vulnerable and let infertility get the best of me.

In the end it’s about finding the balance. There are times when I’m blocked because I am so busy enjoying the infertility baby I’ve been given. Then there are moments, in which, I am reminded all too well that we are one in eight and I’m suddenly unblocked.

11 thoughts on “Unblocked”

  1. Alex, Chloe, miscarriage, Grace. You know their individual stories. Our path didn’t quite go the way we thought it would. Many unexpected detours along the way. We have learned and grown so much as individuals, as a couple and as a family. We realize that everyday is truly a blessing. My love to you, my beautiful niece.

  2. Very true, that thought is always in your mind. Even though it’s been years since my infertility, now as a grandmother the hurt felt all those years ago of miscarriages after months of treatments that turned into years never leaves you. The feeling of greatfulness for the child you have and guilt of not being satisfied, and the need to have more. I think for me it was the loss of control. I wanted to make the decision when to stop having children not have it made for me. So greatful to you for having this blog and putting yourself out there for all to see, you are wonderful !

    1. Wow! You said it perfectly-I want us to have the choice of when our family is complete. Love how you worded it 💞

  3. Love this and can relate to this on so many levels…. your blogs help me to know I’m not alone in this struggle of infertility #infertilitysucks!!!

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  5. Absolute honest and beautiful! I believe it will happen for you again because you are truly one of the strongest women I know. I can only hope that I can be your delivery nurse for the next miracle baby. Always thinking of you xoxo

    1. It is so ironic that you commented because you honestly have been on my mind constantly lately-with you having a Mikie now, (Congrats and so amazed by your birth story 😍)and me thinking of Debbie also reminds me of you. On top of that, I have the privledge of being in the delivery room for both of my SIL’s in April and July so I need to channel my inner Nicole! Any tips?!? It would be an absolute honor for you to be our delivery nurse if we’re able to have another. In fact, I couldn’t imagine doing it without you. I’d love to catch up sometime! Maybe a play date in our future 💞

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