2017-2018

December 14, 2017

I’m literally stopping myself dead in my tracks to sit down and write this. Amidst the chaos of the season, there’s toys to be wrapped, gifts a mile long still to buy, decorations still left to be hung. And then there’s life-clothes to be folded, closets to be cleaned, dishes to be put away. The list goes on and on all the time, but especially this time of year. How often are we reminded to make sure to stop and take care of ourselves?

Well let’s just say me stopping to write this is me doing something for myself. It’s been almost three months since I last wrote something on the blog. And my excuses are just the same as yours and everyone else’s. Aside from those, the blog’s purpose was to launch a local support group and I can proudly say that has been going strong since March. Our little group has come so far and been through so much in almost 9 months (I write that and can’t help but to correlate it to pregnancy). There have been many friendships made, advice exchanged, tears shed, and recently an adundance of {overdue} successes. ???????. So, to some extent, I haven’t felt the need to blog since so much of my focus has shifted to the support group.

It also doesn’t help that three months later since I last wrote, I’m still in the same spot in terms of our journey to baby #2. I felt some momentum as I posted our RE-initial consult and updated SHG in early fall, but it quickly came back to a screeching halt. I feel as though I haven’t written because there really isn’t any update. Contrastly, that’s precisely why I should have been writing and am now taking a time out to do so.

This blog wasn’t in exsistence when infertility and I first met in 2012. Time and time again I’ve said I wish I had this blog and this community the first time around. And here I am doing the same thing I did the first time around. I’m in baby limbo and that’s when infertility hurts me the most.  I am in an infertility rut and not using this blog and community in the way I need to for me.

Fast Forward ⏭

January 1, 2018

I am literally starting where I abruptly left off writing this post {3} weeks ago (thanks to a premature nap wake-up).  While the hustle and bustle and pure magic have helped relieve the constant infertility thoughts in the back of my head, they’re now back full force.  And that is why I’ve come here to write.

To say we enjoyed the holidays is an understatement.  A three -year-old at Christmas fell nothing short of what I have imagined for so many years as I yearned to have a child to share in these joys and traditions with. BUT…(my husband squirms at this) it’s still there.  I’m finding myself right back in this infertility rut that I cannot shake.

I began writing this post because I always said I wished I had this outlet the first time around and here I am now, almost 4 years later from the time of our first IVF cycle, and I find myself doing precisely the same thing I did before-trying to keep it all together on my own.  I feel as though I’m drowning, which in turn makes me take more on to busy myself from my own thoughts, only to make me fall deeper underwater, grasping for air.  It’s not what I would qualify as depression, just more of this thing that takes up space in my life.   It’s something that’s always in the back of my mind, taking up brain power, taking up free time, taking up memory.  It’s almost subconscious.  It’s not debilitating; nor does it seemingly interfere with my daily happenings, but it’s there.  It’s always there.  The more time passes, the more it surfaces.

To catch you up to speed, my husband has now been on his med protocol for over a year.  However it’s really been touch and go.  There were lots of issues with one medication in particular so he’s been on the full protocol much less than that time.  I’ve lost hours upon hours trying to deal with the vicious cycle that is doctor’s office ➡️ medication ➡️ insurance ➡️pharmacy.  There’s been more cancelled appointments than there have been attended ones because of all the issues and now the impending  date is set for late January.  Will there be any change?  Has it been long enough?  Will he be where he was at this stage in the game when we were trying for baby #1?  Are his levels affected differently now that we’re 4 years older?  Will we get the green light for TESE surgery? When are we looking to be at the point of an IVF cycle? 2 months? 6 months?  Longer ??

You can see how my mind can’t stop.  I’ve been dealing with this for sometime.  Initially when my son was about a year and a half I was ready, not to be pregnant, but to start the process (which for us is well over a year) so that I wouldn’t get to THIS POINT.  My husband wasn’t there yet, which I get.  I pryed him to re-enter this dark place last fall and really feel as though we’re not as far along as I had hoped over a year later.  That, coupled with the challenge of keeping my longing to grow our family at bay, has snowballed into this infertility rut that I’m currently in.

I am disappointed that we’re stuck in the same spot over a year later.  I’m mad at myself that I didn’t push the subject harder-that I didn’t make him go sooner for my own sanity.  I’m frusturated that it can’t just be me so that I could just do it all my own.  I’m resentful that I take this all on myself-that the thoughts don’t weigh on my husband day in and day out like they do me-that I’m doing all the work.  I’m sad that the time between my son and a potential sibling is only getting longer.  I’m guilty for wanting more.  I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been more accountable here-I preach to use this as a coping mechanism, but have abandoned it in some ways.  I’m anxious now that I know so much more about the possible outcomes and the reality of the statistics.  I’m stressed as this is our only shot at having baby #2 biologically and feeling the overwhelming pressure of that dead-end.  I’m feeling defeated from the countless pregnancy announcements, specifically of baby #2, that have flooded my social media feeds the last 48-hours.  And I’m feeling so cliche but honest in saying it’s not that I’m not happy for you, I’m just sad for me.  I’m dealing with infertility and it’s a lot to handle at this moment.

Contrastly, I am still hopeful.  I am still positive and optimistic.  I am still excited for what 2018 has in store.  I’m still happy when you see me smiling.  I’m still living my best life.  I’m still blessed more than ever.

I’m not one to outwardly make goals or resolutions for the New Year.  I just think, in an effort to take time for myself, you’ll see me more here ?.

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